I KNOW it will still be there tomorrow.

"The mess will still be there tomorrow, go enjoy your kids."

Yes, I know it will still be there. Believe me, I know. But the truth is, I don't want it to be. Our mess is out of control. Like, barely keeping our house off of an episode of Hoarders, out of control. AND I HATE IT. It consumes my every waking moment. Even when I do say "fuck it", I'm gonna go enjoy my kids, it's in the back of my mind. So much time, money and energy is wasted because of the mess. It enrages me when I know we own something but I can't find it. Sometimes, when there gets to be too much crap all over the place, I will actually get a box and just fill it and stick it in the garage (ohhh, that damn garage). I think there must be 5 or 6 of those boxes out there by now. Who knows what's in them. With my luck, there's probably a winning lotto ticket out there.

Something I dream about quite often, and this might seem silly, is implementing a family game night. We have about 30 board games tucked into a cupboard in the laundry room (and one Monopoly game that is strewn across the boy's bedroom-he needed the money). But I can't keep the dining room table cleared long enough for us to play a game. The living room floor is out of the question because we have stupid little dogs and hardwood floors that are covered with their hair. We have a giant coffee table but it's always covered with crap also. The kids' bedroom floors? Are you kidding? They have a path leading to their beds carved out through their crap every night.

Anyway, family game night, it seems like such a simple wish.

I wouldn't mind letting the dishes go, or passing on the vacuuming or dusting, to focus on my kids but I can't even get to these most basic housekeeping needs through the rest of the mess.

I would love to have people over. Would love to host a BBQ every once in a while. A play date. Whatever. But at this point, I wouldn't invite my mom to my house (and her house is even worse, go figure). Friends say don't worry about it, they don't care. But I care. I'm embarrassed, no ashamed, of our house. 

It's like my whole identity has gotten wrapped up in this disaster.

It keeps me from doing things I love. I've been feeling inspired to draw again but can't get through the garage to find my sketch books. Yes, I could go buy more, but that's the thinking that has us owning four battery chargers, three packs of printable business cards, etc. etc. Even if I could find them, there's no clear space to work on. I love to cross stitch but chaos is such a time stealer that there is no time. I love building Legos with my son, but even his Lego table is piled high.

Give your kids chores they say.

It's to the point where that isn't an easy solution. I feel like I need to get it under control before implementing chores and such in order to maintain it. I wouldn't even know where to begin making them help.

Then it comes back to the depression and anxiety diagnoses. It's like I'm stuck in an evil loop. One day I wake up feeling like I got this. Full of energy and ambition. Then just when I get on a roll, I come crashing down. It's all very frustrating.

I beat myself up over it a lot. I feel like I'm failing my family. I have a lot of excuses. Shit, I got a job last year because I felt like such a failure as a SAHM. I know it's mostly in my imagination, but I feel like the world (or at the very least, my neighborhood) is judging me. I cringe any time I need to open my garage door. If someone comes to my front door I quickly step onto the porch and pull the door shut.

My kids want friends to come over but I rarely let them.  A friend of my son's (the son of a friend) once asked, "Why is your house so dirty?" I laughed (my trusty defense mechanism) and said, "Because I'm not good at keeping it clean." His mom manages to keep a beautiful and neat, while still looking lived in, home. *sigh*

People who aren't like me don't get it. Just throw it out. Just make your family help. Just do a little each day. Just...just...just...it's enough to make me want to scream.

And now we've added a toddler to the mix with my grand daughter coming to live with us. Added to the downstairs' mess is three large boxes, three trash bags of clothes, two toy boxes, and a pack-n-play. 

I've been up since 5. I should have cleaned the kitchen rather than getting on the computer, the toddler will be up soon. Maybe I have time to do it before she wakes up. Maybe I'll have another cup of coffee.